Let's just skip to World War IV

Get in the car, loser. We’re doing geoslopitics.

There’s a war in the Middle East, I’m told. America—you, me—we’re at war. In fact, just the other day I personally sent a hellfire missile straight into a mandatory Monday lineup (doosh//doosh) before hitting Starbies and Pilates and let me tell you, this ass is made of marble. And while I may seem callous, talking about my tushy and such, what I’m actually trying to convey is that I’m not paying attention to this thing and, whether you like it or not, it doesn’t matter if you are either.

There are many non-interventionists I respect and tend to agree with but I’m not in charge of whether or not we go to war and I don’t think Congress has been for a long time either. I often like Glenn Greenwald’s takes, for instance, but I think he would probably dislike someone like me so flagrantly acting above it all. I’d ask him who to vote for to avoid war but I don’t think there’s an answer that would really satisfy either of us and I’m not sure if I have what it takes to execute on any James Bond/Mission Impossible-style jihad against the GAE. The point is not that I’m above it all but that it’s not possible to be above, below, or on the level with it since there’s nothing I can do about it.

I could be typing this in the middle of a building in Tehran and my level of influence would be the same as it is in any part of Texas. Monitor the situation if you must, but make sure to drink water, get your steps in, go into work, and watch what you eat lest you lose focus of what you can affect in this world.

Or you could maintain a position of not going to war (most of you are already here) and advance it by not having opinions (since you have the same amount of power as me), and just check the fuck out. Not because you’re heartless but because people near you need you and your ticker in the game with them rather than confusing your cellphone for a sword or walkie talkie.

Happy monitoring to all who celebrate but I’ve already moved onto World War IV.