Trump’s First 100 Days

Cat Congress, IDF Milking Party, Monster Truck Execution Rallies

Selective Deportation

One of the public’s main hang-ups with deportations are the stench of racism and xenophobia that accompanies them. Thankfully Trump will take an incrementalist approach by allowing you to rendition and exfiltrate two native-born family members of your choice, provided you can supply CBP with medical records showing that surprise relocations are not contraindicated and will not trigger cardiac events. While it’s true that no person is illegal, we can also embrace the idea that most humans aren’t even people.

Make room in the house for your new Slobanian bride by releasing nana and papa into the natural splendor of the Darien Gap, where if they play their cards right and manage to avoid dysentery, malaria, botflies, and those little fish who swim up your peehole, they can convince a scrappy NGO to airdrop them into a makeshift cell-phone store on Canal Street or perhaps a migrant hotel paid for by single mothers and other underclass citizens who are bereft of the sweet serenade of nonconsensual bluetooth wars on public transit.

Department of RFK

No one knows what to make of RFK, not even Trump. Having said that, the man has a host of innovative ideas with real legs. For instance, many have noted that Peloton’s stock has plummeted precipitously since the halcyon days of impending apocalypse while thinking your neighbors are walking bioweapons; on the other hand, being an overweight energy-suck and medical liability is currently cresting at an all time high. Mostly owing to the fact that his handwriting is smoother than his oratory, the Trump transition team is happy to report that they will be using one of Kennedy’s little black books (not that kind) to implement ideas like hooking batteries up to recumbent bikes to power indefinite overseas military adventurism and the Cube in Las Vegas.

Monster Truck Execution Rallies

Market research shows that nothing unites a disparate set of demographics like a little demagoguery and scapegoating. Unfortunately, many rulers have trouble striking a balance between actually maintaining justice and keeping a bloodthirsty and horny public satisfied.

If the British have taught us anything since the fall of their empire, it’s that there’s little difference between playing soccer and participating in soccer hooliganism. Thankfully we can learn from their failures. Whereas the English are too strict in their regulation of football (no hands, no pads) and too single-minded in their pursuit of unfederated violence (drunken headbutting), they could learn a thing or two about the rich cultural traditions passed down through Taliban stadium architecture, and American motorsports. Thankfully, America will show them.

IDF Milking Party

Many have asked if it will be women of the IDF milking the men of America or vice versa.

Cat Congress

Feline parliament has a long history dating back to Ancient Alexandria but hasn’t been tried since FDR threatened to replace his inferiors with calicos, and a 5/3 compromise for Maine Coons and other assorted chonky bois.

Additionally, while he has yet to acknowledge the official rumors, Trump will allegedly move forward with Operation Tktktkt and unleash an army 20,000 deep on the Nation’s Capital.

Mandatory Sex Tapes

AI is a real problem with real consequences. One day you are a 25% bodyfat marketing manager three steps away from C-suite at a mid sized consulting agency, the next you are mortified to learn a fake video of your FUPA getting smashed by the belt buckle of an office-supply delivery-driver has been making the rounds, four butt cheeks clearly reflected in the frames of the IT guy working on fixing an “unplanned outage” that day.

Clearly the only solution is to record yourself performing actual sex acts inside of a 360-degree Fucktagon while training counter-AI on the exact ways in which your genitals, keister, and other fat deposits dance with aplomb through this wild thing we call space, making it able to readily identify which is the real you and which is just a mishmash of fantasy cellulite and character assassination.

USB AbortionCoin (United States Barrons)

Common sense abortion is the only policy moving forward. America being America, we finagle this the same way we finagle Israel and Saudi Arabia riding to prom in the same limo together: We bribe everyone.

Since Jerome Powell isn’t going anywhere, Trump will begin using Mar-a-Lago (new capitol) to mint Barrons which will be held only by Trump supporters and family members (at a ratio of 1 to 2,000). Then, every time you get an abortion, you either bring your BarronWallet or run to the nearest Gold Barron ATM (conveniently located next to the RFK de-fluoridation and stem cell machines in the lobby).

Everyone wins. Women get to control when they take on dependents. Conservatives get to share the party with people who undermine their values. And everyone else makes money off of our fellow citizens’ most intimate decisions, medical needs, and moral failings.

Reparations for White Guys (sorry ladies)

If you are a white man born in 1984 or later (what’s up, Substack?), you’ve endured endless brainwashing about average group differences, never being permitted to ask: If we’re all so equal, then why can’t women open jars? And if race doesn’t matter, why did everyone care so much about Obama being Kenyan?

You’ve endured decades of gaslighting in which you are told that being a fat nerd who listens to emo is weird (what’s up, Substack?), but that Hannah Gadsby is not a fat nerd who listens to emo. In fact, you’re told Amy Schumer and other female comedians I can’t name are a hoot when everyone knows comedy peaked with the release of the films Billy Madison and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. You have been told that weight-lifting and punctuality are instruments of oppression but that having an erotic appreciation of Lizzo’s tushy is the good and right thing to do for the historical injustices visited upon her family by everyone from Casio to the General Mills people.

Despite the fact that the Harris campaign realized it needed you in the eleventh hour, you’ve been lectured that girls can do anything boys can (work in an office); but sometimes better (getting you fired from the office). Of course, no dogma is without concessions and even this neo-Calvinist, intersectional-determinist framework allows for three exceptions: sports, chess, and advanced math, which is basically witchcraft for nerds.

If you’ve ever expressed exasperation with the endless statistics either proving that girls should have carve-out scholarships, that it’s unfair boys want to participate in class more than them, that providing free Stanley tumblers, mammograms, abortions, chapstick and PCOS treatments is a human right, then you’ve probably encountered hostility in suggesting anyone is discriminating against you. It’s not punishment, just a restoration of justice. Doing your civic duty, being held liable for the sins of people you’ve never known.

For these past injustices and many others, Trump will award each straight white man in this country a happy meal replete with Trump action figure for producing a 23andme result that is at least 75% white/European and a picture of Sidney Sweeney at participating McDonald’s locations.