P U S S Y I N B I O:

Seeking non-moron for sexual congress

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If you were cool in high school
you didn’t ask too many questions.
You could tell who’d been to last night’s
big metal concert by the new t-shirts in the hallways.
You didn’t have to ask
and that’s what cool was:
the ability to deduce,
to know without asking.

~David Berman

I had a female friend in high school who was friends with one of the richest girls in school. This rich girl lived in a Dr. Doolittle mansion on a certain famous island off Miami Beach. She had exotic plants and animals along with celebrity neighbors. The family’s servant was an old Cuban woman who was also their cousin, which is the only way you can get away with anything resembling slavery in this country if you don’t already own an apple orchard or slaughterhouse.

At least one murder attempt precipitated amongst these people, a fact I relate to because my family acts similarly but with 100x less wealth because the wealthy have to go to school with shtetl Jews who outscore them in scholastics, the children of magnates getting stuck with kids who have IBS and go bald by twenty, a tragedy future historians will note came hardest for Anglos and aristocrats. 

Back to these girls. The rich girl’s father takes them to a National Supplement Chain on his way home. He wants to buy a thermogenic, a very particular fat burner which has already been banned by the FDA at this point in the nineties. The pills are for his son who has a promising future as a 6’2” gokart driver, gokart being an ideal sport to do after school and before rehab. The pills burn fat and suppress appetite which is really important if you want to try to squeeze your 6’2” ass into a gokart.

My friend is smart. So she points out that you can’t buy banned substances because they are illegal and, even if you could, this one has already been pulled from the shelves.

This rich guy, he worries a bill into his palm and says, “This is how rich people do business.”