4 Tips for JD Vance

Always enter the vehicle penis first

Now that the cat is out of the bag and it is obvious that JD Vance will steward this great nation through the inevitable MAGA National Trumpenreich and into the techno-feudal utopia we’ve all been hoping for, it’s imperative that he walk the long and narrow path toward victory unflinchingly and with strong facial expressions.

Here are four tips for JD Vance as we head into tonight’s Vice Presidential Debate:

Drip so hard I commit them hillbilly felonies.

1) Always enter the vehicle penis first

Leaders know first impressions matter. However, even after the hard work of crafting your public image has been done, carefully leaking choice DM’s and group chats to let people know you are the right kind of racist incel and not one of those low-status unmarried ones—is key.

Precision and effort must shepherd this image through an onslaught of hostile detractors and energetic player-haters, eager to take casual remarks about genocide and forced lactation out of context. A true man lets it all hang out. Which is why you must set the tone both coming and going to events. Yes, you must always enter the vehicle penis first. Bold moves exude a strong energy that lets your enemies know you will not be cowed.

As they say, eyes are the mood-ring of the soul.

2) Switch up your look

Taint deep in sangria weather, it’s hard to imagine the crinkle of leaves underfoot as the first fall of confectioner’s sugar befalls your autumn tumtum. Vikings coined the word kräkcykel to describe the four seasons of alcoholism as they fall across the lunar calendar and yet, contemporary Americans, so out of touch with Mother Nature are also disembodied from themselves and their sexuality. Many choose to focus on the rich tapestry of theories surrounding the last decade of history (Epstein, adrenochrome, and Modern Monetary Theory) but few focus on the deep sensuality that undergirds this period.

Even among leftists, far too many concern themselves with which gender they are and not enough on the abundance of raw sexually-available gamer-studs and Punisher enthusiasts eager to take young women out for a night on the town.

They know not the allure of a smoky eye, matching your eye makeup to whatever vibe you’re feeling for the day. Maybe you’re in an Egyptian pharaoh kind of mood one day and another you’re serving mysterious UPS driver (but not the active shooter kind). Mismatching one’s mood to an inappropriate color-palette is a classic faux pas that will be sure to confuse the single largest voting block in the country: normies. Establishing superior vibe-consistency will contribute immensely to flexing on your opps and ensure decisive victory.

I have no clue what’s happening here but it feels thematically correct.

3) Child Sacrifice

Children want two things: To go to church and not get aborted.